Bacon is Complicated

 Depending on who is reading this, I might be about to offend you. Deep breath. Alright. Bacon isn't that big of a deal to me. I know, blaspheme, right? But, since bacon is most definitely not kosher, I never grew up with it. In fact, with the exception of one small "accident" I didn't even have it until I was probably in my 20s. (And, funny enough, I didn't even know what I'd had when I accidentally got it)

So, here's the brief story on my accidental bacon. Senior year of high school, my band headed to Virginia Beach for a competition. (I may not have been cool, literally ever, but I was a damned good trombone player. That's right, I played all the way until mid-college, and I was pretty spectacular, and only stopped because of an overly-dramatic argument with the director). Digressing... my cousin Scott decided to chaperone us. (Other side note: not sure if I've ever fully thanked him for that. It was not an overall fun time for him, but he did it for his little cousin. He's an incredible man, and I'm thankful).

Alright, new paragraph, because we need to get to the bacon. Leaving around 5am, we stopped at a highway rest stop later, probably at a McDonald's or some such, to grab food. Everyone off the bus, a ton of kids ordering, and my big cousin being cool enough to grab sandwiches for us. Except, when I took a bite of mine, something was wrong. "Uh, Scott, I think this one's eggs are spoiled." Couldn't think of any other reason that someone could screw up an egg and cheese sandwich. When I showed him, he figured it out immediately, said, "here, take mine, I'll take that one, don't worry," and I was none-the-wiser that I just had a bite of bacon.

In hindsight, I can't figure out if he actually liked bacon at the time, or he was more worried about telling my mom that he'd let me have bacon. Don't worry Scott, if you're reading this, mom probably won't read this, and Dad probably won't tell her, if he does.

So let's make like Marty and Doc, and get back to the future (or, more accurately, the present). Take a look at this image:

For most folks I know, that's salivary glands engaged full on! I mean, check that out, you've got a waffle, with a fried egg, and some crispy, nicely cook bacon. You can just smell it, right? I mean, you know the smell, and you remember what that texture feels like on your tongue when you place a piece of bacon in your mouth, right? You're feeling it, right?!

So, uh, I'm not. Like I said, bacon isn't that big of a deal to me. Don't get me wrong (he says, about to ensure everyone reading this turns on me), I love pork products. Most of the sausage that goes into my smoker is pork. I've smoked pork butt, and eaten a lot of pulled pork sandwiches, and I find a roasted ham to have that absolutely outstanding salty flavor that satisfies so many cravings all at once. (We'll talk about Steve and Kim another day; for all I know, she's still feeling guilty).

Bacon, to me, has a weird texture. Seriously, I just don't like how it feels when I eat it. The smell is absolutely fantastic, and I like the flavor when it's on something else. There's a place in Chester, NY called Christopher's where I used to eat all the time. Chris did a bacon wrapped scallop (and damn if I don't love scallops). What I'd do was cut the bacon off, push it to the side, and just eat the tremendously bacon flavored scallops. And what a great taste it is! Just... you know... that texture. 

My wife introduced me to turkey bacon, and we tend to keep a pretty steady stock in the house. That's what my daughter eats, to the point where, if we're out, and we need to make sure she's got protein with her meal, and they don't have the turkey variety, we call it that anyway. And I definitely eat it. Preferably crispy. Limp, chewy turkey bacon is kind of gross. Turkey bacon has a more subtle flavor than regular bacon, but it gets the job done on taste. For me, the texture is perfect. Instead of feeling greasy, and oddly bumpy texture (turkey bacon, by default, cooks out flat in the pan, and stays flat, no curling), the turkey variety is almost like a flattened meat stick. It's simple, crispy, salty, a flavor that fills your entire mouth, without a weird tongue touch.

So, yeah, bacon is a bit complicated for me. And for those who are finishing this last paragraph either through a haze of fury, or the blur of tears at the horrible loss they feel for me, hey, I'm sorry.